Fourteen Hundred Words

I’m blessed to have so much. I’m blessed to be 41yo and healthy. I’m blessed to have a good brain and strong genetics. The experiences, travels and opportunities that I’ve created throughout my life aren’t exactly relative to how I grew up. In fact most of my Detroit community haven’t allow themselves to experience what I have, and I thank god for his blessings.

Despite my fortune, I still use to live so much of my life unsatisfied because I pursued my ego’s dreams.

I’ve traveled to several places around the world, most of which were for work. Sometimes I’d fly business class or even private. Most of the time I’d stay in a 5-star hotel. Cavo Tagoo in Mykonos was a notable room with a view, and the 20oz ribeye is best medium rare from Floreria Atlántico in Buenos Aires.

I witnessed Kendrick perform GKMC on a loading dock at the former Milk Studios amongst a crowd of no more than 200 people. I soiled myself standing next to a $250K Bugatti in front of the Monte Carlo, and was forced to wear swim trunks the remainder of the trip because Delta lost my bag.

If you’re ever staying at The Chamberlain in West Hollywood, take the elevator to the 4th floor and check behind the print on the wall, where you might find a bag of weed, necessary for trips to and from JFK/LAX. My signature is in the same guest book as the Obamas’ while staying a chateau in Avignon. Somewhere there’s a video of me moonwalking across the marble entrance of a 16th century castle in Argentina.

I was paid to attend whilst others paid to.

Isn’t that what we all want—to be recognized as a big deal? To be “successful” artists, and accomplish other people’s dreams in order to feel …wut?

You can imagine my disappointment when I reached 30yo and had checked off so many of the things that I wanted to do with my life, but still felt little satisfaction. I hadn’t yet realized that I was miserable because so much of what I had accomplished was living out somebody else’s expectations and versions of success. But no, not really…it wasn’t someone else, it was my ego…it was me the whole time.

That thing that’s never satisfied. That thing that craves more because “it’s attainable, ” and anything less would fall short of what my “brand” represents.

And somewhere along the line, I lost sight of what made me feel anything at all. Jaded, to say the least. Impressed? not me…. I could only see flaws and possible shortcomings pertaining to virtually every standard of living: industry, friends, family, career goals, lovers, my work, myself….

But then the there’s peace of mind. I don’t know why at such a young age I felt this urge, but achieving peace of mind has more or less been a life goal of mine. It’s actually my very first memory—that yearning and anticipation for what’s possible once the mind is still and I’m truly free. Knowing something about myself, but not understanding why it exists has often times plagued me—like the bane of my existence. There’s this nagging anticipation of what life will eventually be like once that thing happens and the conquest is fulfilled and my heart is content.

I began making decisions based on what I thought would feed my soul starting in 2020 and life hasn’t disappointed. Meditation had always been an honest first step towards processing feelings so I started there as a morning practice, (pre caffeine, pre food). Saying yes to more parties and building a community was something that I needed to reinvent once I got to LA in 2021. I refused to be apart of the lonely male epidemic anymore! I could tell you exactly how I got there, as did many other men, but I won’t because I’m convinced that a man’s feelings are too personal to express publicly, and very few people care to hear a man’s woes anyway.

Listening to my body has always been a soulful experience for me. I’ve always loved exercise for a number of reasons, but namely as a coping mechanism. I have control of my body and I love impressing myself when I can unlock certain athletic maneuvers that were once unbeknownst to me. And somewhere, in the water of my soul, I felt the desire to surf. Surfing gives me a mind, body and soul experience like no other. Like food, like sex, it stimulates all 5-senses and can consume you at the same rate you consume it. But unlike any other of god’s creations, the ocean will make you it’s bitch…

Thank you can I have another?

Slowly I could feel my ego drift away and sink to the bottom of the Pacific where it belongs. But that wasn’t enough. I didn’t just want surfing to find me and keep me at arm’s reach. I had to know more. I had to immerse myself and completely surrender to it, knowing that the results of my investigation would put me closer to peace. And by any means necessary I will find peace of mind.

It was merely a coincidence that I fell in love with the Sandwich Islands. I first visited Kauai in July 2022 with an ex and instantly felt absorbed in the water, the purity of the aina and the warmth of its community. “I could live here,” as so many tourists have said in the past. But Hawaii is like a filter. Immediately, in fact, it has a way of pushing people out who aren’t compatible with its culture. I certainly wouldn’t say that I’m of Hawaiian culture, but I am a welcome haole.

Living here has distilled a lot of impurities out of my life, because I arrived with the goal to do so. Only in hindsight have I realized that the purity I was seeking was actually my lifelong pursuit of peace. Perfect stillness, consumed by a deafening silence…a kryptonite for my ego. A place where there isn’t much to do, but I rarely get bored. After all I work for myself, take pictures everyday, surf when I want and I am loved by many.

Especially as of lately, life has been quieter than ever. I’m not preoccupied with a relationship full of friction, nor struck with guilt for recklessly spending money. Rigorous exercise is still apart of my life, but not to the point where I’m a walking vessel of cortisol. Not getting my passport stamped over the past few years is humbling and the fanciest thing that I’ve ordered lately is Eggs Benedict with tater tots. I’m still guilty of guilty pleasures. Creating a simple blueprint for my soul was all I really needed to get going, as well as respecting the process.

I appreciate the island for setting this 40yo coming of age story because I do feel better than ever. I needed a complete reset and I accomplished it. I sold it all and booked a oneway flight in March 2024 with my camera, my dog and a middle finger salute. Years later it feels good to put that finger down because I was starting to get tired of being bitter. Actually, life is better once you learn to not raise a finger at all. That’s wisdom in control. Letting go of envy and ego has been one of life’s greatest struggles, which also makes it one of life’s greatest accomplishments.

That very first memory, that seedling, was there to initiate not just any internal struggle, but my internal struggle. Something to help build decades of character but also taint my goals and pursuits as a way to force perspective of what really matters to me. It was there to teach me about emotional regulation, but also humiliate me all the same. Finally I get to say goodbye it. Ego death is, in fact, a real death, and that’s worth celebrating.

I’ve always embraced the darkness and what death actually symbolizes, especially when it pertains to the ego, just not my ego. But moving here has been a sentencing and execution of my ego, and eventually the light found me. Like never before I recognize myself as a portrait photographer and not an imposter with a camera. I’m a storyteller and still a child of this world. I am who I’ve been searching for this entire time.